


My god, its full of AUs

by Keenir



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: A touch of TRON, AU, Alternate Universe - Princess Bride, Gen, Mischief and Mistletoe 2015, Santa is Real, Some Humor, With thanks to Hallmark Channel and Lifetime channel, each AU is separate from the others (except for the footnote)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 13:12:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5498285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keenir/pseuds/Keenir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of AUs that don't get used as much as other AUs do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My god, its full of AUs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nefelokokkygia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nefelokokkygia/gifts).



**SANTA (1)**

Santa slid down the chimney and was supernaturally aware that there was a pair of adult eyes watching as she slid one leg and then the other around the grating, and then angled her body as she moved the rest of her around it, and stood up, still facing the chimney.

"It still amazes me that you can do that whole chimney thing, without getting any dust or soot on your clothes," Loki said.

She smiled and turned around, careful not to let her bag of gifts hit the Utgardsmens' tree.  "Loki," she said,her voice warmer than a chestnut-roasting fire.  "And how is my favorite Nice boy?"

"Forever glad that this isn't construed by anyone as bribery," he said.  "Also, I'm always glad to see you, Santa."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Sif," and he held out his arms.

Not setting her bag down - _I put it on the floor once, and The Pole's lawyers had me in for daily meetings almost til Easter.  If there's not a life-threatening emergency, the bag's not to leave my grasp_ \- Sif slid between his arms and wrapped her free arm around Loki, cherishing his hug.  And then she stole a kiss, and almost took his breath with it.  "Reconsider," she asked him, resting her forehead against his.

"I can't and won't move to The Pole.  My work is here.  My daughter's friends and school is here; even if I had no job, she has people," Loki said.

Sif nodded.  "Stout of heart and noble of soul.  And you fully know how sexy I find both those parts of you."

Loki shrugged as innocently as he could, which not coincidentally brought his lips near enough to kiss Sif once more.  "We are what we are," he said.  "We cannot change.  Thus we have what we have."

"We do well," she knew.  As the current Santa, she knew how some relationships turned sour.  _And we haven't.  Don't push, Sif,_ she told herself, trying not to think about the letter which had arrived shortly before New Years of this year.

* * *

 

 

**VIDEO GAME**

Iron Man  (controlled by Player One: P_POTTS, new game) would have checked his watch if he could move his arms.  "Would it've killed 'em to pause the game before getting snacks?"

"At least they've turned the Tutorial off," said Loki  (controlled by Player Two: GOD_THANOS, saved game).

"Point.  Any idea if we're competing or cooperating to defeat the Big Boss and save the Princess?"  When asked 'what is the Princess' name?' our players typed 'Bucky.'  _Strange, but better than in the arcades, where half the time she's named 'Hothooters' or something along those lines._

"Isn't it obvious?" Loki replied,

"Translation, you don't know either," Iron Man said.

"We fired off half our ammo and spells," _in all directions, at open space.  There are Practice Levels for that.  Unless they're intending us to be cannon fodder so they can kill time just having us charge unready at the in-game enemies._ "And then they left."

"Yeah," Iron Man said, watching a pixelated duck fly past them.  _There's a dog around here, I can hear it giggling._   "Oh, by the way, are congratulations in order?"

"Normally.  I am, after all, awesomer than you," Loki said.

"Riight.  I mean wedding bells for you and Sif."

"Why would you think that?"

"You don't help anyone else break into the Character Creator so they don't have to wear a dress again," Iron Man said.

"You too, Stark?" Loki asked.  "Was it a dress of your armor, or an evening gown?  Because Sif has expressed an interest in the armor dress."

\--NEW  PLAYER  ADDED--

Now appeared SIF  (controlled by DARCY_IS_COOLER, new game)

Iron Man whistled.

"***ing Expansion Pack," Sif cursed in her bikini.

The default music changed back to adventuring music as Loki and Sif began to move.  First high vertical leaps, followed by spinning around first to the right and then to the left.  And then... walking.

Towards each other.

"Ooh, cageless cage match," said Iron Man.  "One of the classics."

"Nothing personal, Loki," Sif said, "but you're going to die."

"It happens," Loki said.  _Neither of our players are having either of us reach for spells or arms.  What are...  Oh._   "Ow," he said mildly.

"It'd be easier not to step on your feet, if my Player would stop mashing down the side arrow," Sif said for an apology.

"I know I said I'm curious," Iron Man said, "about what sort of a relationship the two of you have, but this is almost..." _and I'd shake my head if I could_.  "Exactly what resolution screen do these people think they have?"

"More than 16-bit," Sif muttered, pleased that Loki was keeping his enchanting eyes on her face, and not on how their nearly-bare chests were pressed together.

"Maybe if we get downloaded into a The SIMS game," Iron Man said, "the two of you can advance beyond heavy petting."

"You truly want to wear that dress?" Loki asked.

"Fine.  I'm shutting up.  Can't stop voyeuring, though."

* * *

 

**SANTA (2)**

Ever since the dawn of holidays, the armies of commercialism have fought to control them.

"Loki," said Odin the Santa Of All.  "You have defeated Malekith," the CEO of those commercializing armies.  "You have proven that I was right, long ago, to bring an infant Krampus into my home and groom him to one day be the next Santa."

"More lies, Santa?" Loki asked; he was the Krampus in question.  "Surely that's naughty."

"No lies," Odin said.  "You have an object lesson - a character warning, if you will - in Thor.  You have witnessed what followed from his assumption that I would simply hand him supreme power.  No, I wanted you to be better - to strive, to work, as I once did.

"Before we Santas existed, Krampuses were responsible for gifts.  Before this week is out, you, Loki The Krampus, will be the new Santa."

"Thank you, Santa."  Because really, what more can one say to that?"

"And you have my blessing."  Off Loki's look, Odin Santa said, "You and Craftslady Sif were indeed quite discreet in your relationship.  My son - you - and the finest toymaker in all the lands; a better match, I cannot imagine.  Now go and propose before that Beta Ray chap does."

* * *

 

**LZOMBIE**

(In which they're all mortals, at least to start)

Sif drew her fur cloak closer still to her, though resolute in not being about to abandon her self-assigned sentry post.  "Loki," she whispers against the biting wind, her eyes locked on Loki's burial mound.

"Amora said..." and Sif trailed off.  _I never trusted that hedge witch.  Yet when she told me I'd get Loki back, I rushed here.  Why?  If Loki rises from the dead, he'd be a draugr, a_ revenant.

Yet still Sif did not budge.  _He survived Otzi and other sorcerers, only to be felled by that Grendel of a_ Dane

Sif's heart shivered from what was not the cold.  _Oft you were on the verge of telling me something.  Was it what I'd hoped it was?_ And knew a draugr could not be commanded or reasoned with entreatied.

She watched as Loki began to climb out fo his burial mound.  She stood, unafraid of any possible fate draugr-Loki could inflict upon her.

He shambled with reasonable grace over to where Sif stood unflinching.

Loki removed his coat and placed it upon her shoulders, planting a kiss on her neck as he did so.

A draugr is eternally motivated by the burning desire one holds during one's death.  Some seek to guard their wealth, or to avenge a murder.

Loki's had been that he could have and should have made Sif happier.  And thenceforth he did forevermore.

* * *

**PRINCESS BRIDE**

Loki wished that he had told Sif how he felt, wished he had said it more plainly than 'as you wish'.  _Because it seems she never quite caught on how I felt.  My fault.  I waited too long, and then she was listed as lost at sea, and now the evil queen Amora wants me to marry her so - wait, is someone reading the later chapters before this one?  Because how do I know already that she's evil?  I mean, she's no Sif, but that's not a sign of evilness in and of itself._

A noise interrupted further thought: a shrill, shrieklike noise that he was positive he'd heard before.

"Relax, its just Fandral's snoring," Volstagg the Giant said.  "Eel-like, isn't it?"

Loki nodded, not knowing what else to say to that.  But he did have an idea for how to handle the guy calling the shots, telling Volstag and Fandral what to carry and to where - _but first we have to lose Fandral...the guy's too focused, if a bit obsessive about revenge and which hand to use if a slow death is required.  And we have to get off this ship, because I do not like boats._

_***_

Later, atop the cliff, after Sif proved to Fandral that she only had five fingers on her hands, and that her smile was not impossibly broad, _I will get you back soon, my Buttercup, my Loki, Sif knew.  I should have told him how I felt...something more than 'as you wish.'  In hindsight, it was not my best line.  But he never objected to it.   Not to that, anyway.  And as to that other shocking news - marriage?  Well,_ _I mean, sure, I can see why he'd be upset with me - but with skin that pale, surely 'Buttercup' is a perfectly understandable nickname.  Besides, surely he understood that I would not give him such a nickname if I didn't care so deeply about him that...ah.  So much and so deeply that I covered it with a name._

"Can we hurry this up?" Sif asked.  "I've got a ROUS to toast, and a-"

Fandral frowned.  "I can hurry up, Lady Sif, but it may not end to your liking, even if you seem to know what awaits you after you beat my massive friend Volstag."

"You seem confident that you are going to win," Sif said.

"I am, I confess."

"You're just that good?"

"You've heard of Sun Tzu, Von Clauswitz, and King Arthur?" Fandral asked.

"I have."

"Amateurs."

"Then your skill with a blade is nearly as great as the depth of my true love for the man you have kidnapped, truly?" Sif asked.

"A considerable amount, to be sure.  Though I had not known any had feelings for him," Fandral said.  "We were hired to remove him from society because - this was what we had been told, and now I am shamed to say we believed it - he made a child cry."

"And now you know," Sif said.   "Also, there is one more thing you do not know, this being about me."

"And what is that?"

"Like you, I am not left-handed either."

"Then let me join you.  Permit me to help you recover your one true love?"

"Aren't you busy trying to find the man who killed your father?" Sif asked.

"I confess I am running out of places to look," Fandral said.  "At the time, I had not thought there could be so many places for a six-fingered man to hide, even with the specialty hammer my father crafted for him."

"Then I welcome you," Sif said.  "I ask only that you not get in my way - I would not want you getting hurt from something meant for me."

"I accept your condition, and extend an identical one to you, for the same reason."

Sif nodded.  _Jumping in front of blades and bullets meant for others, that can wait til later in the story if it need be done at all.   "_ Then onwards to...what did you say your friend's name was?"

"Volstag," Fandral said.    "You can't miss him."

_I am coming, Loki._

**Author's Note:**

> ps:  
> Dear Santa,  
> I saw you kissing my daddy. There wasn't any mistletoe, and you were kissing my daddy. Just like last year, and the year before that.  
> I will be clear:  
> I don't want a pony or a toy or an Avenger.  
> I want my daddy to not sigh sadly all year long, waiting for you to come back.  
> I want you to...how did Nanna Peggy's contemporaries put it? I want you to make an honest man of my daddy. (I promise not to call you Mommy unless you say I can)  
> Signed, sincerely, Hela Jane Utgardsmen.


End file.
